This is a Re-birth, and everyone is invited.
I am constantly standing outside of my body, looking in, looking, wondering wtf is going on? Waiting for that little girl inside me to grow up and stop making life so difficult for herself. I don’t know how I got here but I know it’s been going on for most of my life. Seldom have I taken a true real risk in my life… well.. no that’s a lie of course, but a risk involving my dreams, who I am as a person, who i am becoming, has never really gone down, until a few months ago.
My husband Taylor and I conceived our 3rd child in early April of 2018. I was pretty excited, and swore this time we would for sure get our little grrl. You see, my little grrl would come to me in my sleep. I could feel her spirit, I could feel her as if she already existed.
Super excited that we were pregnant once again we began picking names, planning to move out, we even told our son Jameson who is 3 that he was going to have a baby brother or sister again. He was definitely excited for a sister, we all were.
My birthday was approaching it was now June, and a week before my birthday I began to hemorrhage. It kept going for a few days until I had some really bad pain and finally went to the hospital. I knew it, I felt it, I had lost my baby.
The initial shock, the feeling crashed through my body touching every space, spreading out into every bit of my soul covering it into darkness. Complete darkness. I felt inadequate, useless, shitty and so depressed.
My birthday came and went. I internalized, I was functioning just to get by, just to make it through most days, I had no interest in anything that had to do with my body. All I knew was darkness, deep darkness, and anger.
And then, I found myself wanting to attend my mommy group @avenuemama ‘s self love self care session. I didn’t have enough money for my ticket so I reached out to Annie my friend, who runs @avenuemama and she suggested for me to bring snacks and to help her set up and that would buy my way into the workshop.
In my mind I wanted to really treat these women, I wanted to spoil annie and her friends. And I did just that. This is how someone helped light a small fire inside me..this is how my baby was born. This is my re-birth. Just as I imagined my little grrl to be, @ready_set_nosh took that small dim fire and ran straight without thinking, without looking, without having time to wonder, and she burst into flames. A wild fire of emotion, life, dreams, visions, and Hope’s were let loose by this fire, that blazed right threw me. Within a few weeks I was catering another event, and then another event and then another…
This is where the Re-Birth happened, where it was disguised in tragedy, but without this darkness there could not have been any light. Without this dim fire starter, there would not be what exists today… she is ready, she is ever evolving, she is certain, she is capable and she is me.
To Annie: thank you for helping find my fire, and helping me keep it Lit AF!